# Jokes



## Angell Wine (Oct 23, 2005)

Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Oklahoma when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed rottweiler.


Thinking quickly, the boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.


A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and Say's "I'll title it Young Sooners Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal".


"But I'm not a Sooners fan" the little hero replies.


"Sorry, since we're in Oklahoma, I just assumed you were" says the reporter and he starts writing again. He ask "How does Cowboys Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" sound.


"I'm not a Cowboys fan either" the boy says.


"Oh, I Thought everyone in Texas was either for the Sooners or the Cowboys. What team do you root for?, the reporter ask.


"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an Aggie fan" the boy replies. "They're just the best!"


The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Jerk From Texas Kills Beloved Family Pet".


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## Waldo (Oct 27, 2005)

*Ways to know if you're a true Arkansan*

. You can properly pronounce Ouachita. 
A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel. 
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade. 
Stores don't have bags, they have sacks. 
You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals. 
You measure distance in minutes. 
You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit. 
Someone you know has used a football schedule plan their wedding date. 
. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store. 
A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is 
You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply. 
Finally: you are 100% Arkie if you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna coke?"


"Yeah." 


"What kind?" 


"Dr Pepper."


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## Vaughn (Oct 27, 2005)

Angell Wine said:


> The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Jerk From Texas Kills Beloved Family Pet".




I have to send this one to my "little redneck" daughter. Funny how true aggies love a good aggie joke. Makes them feel special.


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## Angell Wine (Oct 27, 2005)

What's the dying last words of a redneck?


Hay!!! Watch this.


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## Hippie (Oct 27, 2005)

Got any hick jokes? I aint a redneck, but a hick!


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## Angell Wine (Oct 28, 2005)

Hippie's first military assignment to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.


Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Hippie was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.


The Captain decided that he would not ask Hippie about his selling techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe Hippie's sales pitch.


"If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6000.00.


"If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.00.


"NOW", Hippie conclude, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"


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## geocorn (Oct 28, 2005)

Good one!!!


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## Hippie (Oct 28, 2005)

Very good! It actually sounds like me!


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## Angell Wine (Nov 5, 2005)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on Her level, and asks, "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."


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## Waldo (Nov 5, 2005)

Where do pets come from? 
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give ash*t one way or the other.


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## PolishWineP (Nov 6, 2005)

Angell Wine said:


> What's the dying last words of a redneck?
> 
> 
> Hay!!! Watch this.




You missed the first part! "Here! Hold my Beer! Watch this!"


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## PolishWineP (Nov 6, 2005)

After years of courting, Ole and Lena got married and were driving from Rochester to Minneapolis for their honeymoon. As they got towards the Twin Cities Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Lena cooed to Ole, "You know, now that we're married, you can go a little further." So Ole drove on to Duluth.


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## AAASTINKIE (Nov 6, 2005)

Bert and Eustis were going out to check their Lobsta traps one morning, a seagull crapped on the window and Bert says:

Pass me some of that toilet paper would you Eustis?

OK Bert, but it won't do any good, that seagull already took off.


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## AAASTINKIE (Nov 6, 2005)

*Edited by: AAASTINKIE *


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## geocorn (Nov 6, 2005)

Let's be careful!


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## AAASTINKIE (Nov 7, 2005)

Sorry Geo, I've worked 36, 12 hour shifts strait so far, at least 8 more to go so far, getting a little punchy.


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## geocorn (Nov 7, 2005)

I understand long hours and appreciate your apology.


Thank you.


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## masta (Nov 9, 2005)

This is what I'm gonna do when I'm 80!

About 2 years ago my husband and I were on a cruise through the 
Western Caribbean Islands aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed 
an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the 
main dining room. 

I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, 
etc.,all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who 
the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he 
only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back 
to back. 

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped
to say hello. We chatted and I said,"I understand you've been on this 
ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I 
stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's 
cheaper than a nursing home." 

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and 
feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost 
for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at 
Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price 
of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day (of fantastic food, not 

institutional food) if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have 

room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of 

the week). 


3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, 

free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 


4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 


5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An 

extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 


6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days! 


7. TV broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress 

replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your 

inconvenience 


8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to 

ask for them. 


9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are onMedicare; 

if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will 

upgrade you to suite for the rest of your life. 


10. There is always a doctor on board. 


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the 

Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want 

to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a 

nursing home, just call shore to ship. 



PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the 

side at no charge. 



See you at sea!


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## Angell Wine (Nov 9, 2005)

If you go to Somalia, you get to shoot at pirates with high-Tech guns too!


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## MedPretzel (Nov 9, 2005)

Love it. I forwarded it to my dad. He was a merchant marine, and worked on a Cruise Ship for his "working vacation" quite a few years back. He'll be tickled pink.





Thanks for the smile!





martina


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## geocorn (Nov 9, 2005)

Maybe we should talk about nursing homes and price gouging!


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## Waldo (Nov 18, 2005)

Hey all, with Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought I would share my recipe with you.


WALDO'S BAKED STUFFED TURKEY
16-20 lb. Turkey
1 cup melted butter
6cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
2cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. BrushTurkey well with melted
butter, salt,and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. 
Place in baking pan withthe neck end toward the back of the oven. 
Listen for thepopping sounds. When the Turkey's ass blows the oven 
door open and theTurkey flies acrossthe room, it is done.


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## Angell Wine (Nov 18, 2005)

I'm going to call PETA on you Waldo. That's to funny.


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## Angell Wine (Aug 7, 2006)

9 Things to do at Wal-Mart when your bored


1. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals
2. Go the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&amp;M's on lay away
3. Set up a tent in the camping dept. and tell shoppers you'll invite Them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding dept.
4. When a clerk asks if they can help, begin to cry and ask " Why can't people just leave me alone?"
5. While handing guns in the Hunting dept., Ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are.
6. In the auto dept, practice your "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
7. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
8. Go into the fitting room and shut the door and wait. Then yell, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
9. Hide in a Clothing rake and when people browse through, say "Pick Me! pick Me!"


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## Angell Wine (Nov 14, 2006)

This is for wadewade:


A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. one day a construction crew turned up to start a building a house on the empty lot. the young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.


Eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of job mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them for lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


At the end of the week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two dollars. the little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollars to the bank and start=art a savings account.


When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asks the little girl how she came by her own pay check. the little girl proudly replied, "I work last week with a crew building the house next door to us".


"My goodness gracious" said the teller, " And will you be working next week on the house"


The little girl replied, " I will if those a-holes at Home Depot would ever deliver the friging sheetrock..."


kind of brings a tear to your eye don't it


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## Wade E (Nov 14, 2006)

Thats excellent. How did you know I hate Home Depot though.


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## Angell Wine (Nov 14, 2006)

Your a professional not a week end warrior.


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## Wade E (Nov 14, 2006)

A politician dies and goes to the pearly gates where St. Micheal is
standing. St Micheal says there is a dilemma, we usually dont let
politicians in here. Before you enter he says, there is one thing that
you have to know. For one day youll be sent to hell and the next day
youll reside here. After those 2 days youll have to make a decision as
to where youll want to stay. The politician says I want to stay here
and St. Micheal says no, you have to spend a day at both, those are the
rules. He sends the politian into the elevator to hell. When he arrives
in hell he is greated by all his lawyer and politician friends on a
golf coarse where they are all having a great time playing golf and
having drinks.The 24 hours go by and he his sent to heaven where he
also has a good time but doesnt really know anyone. Those 24 hours go
by and he is greated the next morning by St. Micheal again. St. Micheal
asks him iwhat his final decision is. The politician says that he had a
great time in both places but he wants to go to hell where all his
friends are. Poof, he is sent to hell and when he gets there, all his
friends are wearing torn clothes and are slaving away and are all
extremely unhappy. He turns around and sees the devil and asks whats
going on. Yesterday they were all playing golf and so very happy. The
devil says,yesterday we were all campaigning and then says, today you
voted!


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## NorthernWinos (Nov 17, 2006)

Here is the thought for today. Things that we should live by!!


Calmness in our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works. We could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the
Dr. Phil show, you too, can find inner peace. 

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never
finished." 

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua,a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. 

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.


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## Waldo (Nov 17, 2006)

Bwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *Edited by: Waldo *


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## Wade E (Nov 17, 2006)

Were you ABLE to even leave the house.


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## grapeman (Nov 18, 2006)

Now that is too funny NW


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