# Joke of the Day



## Green Mountains




----------



## djrockinsteve

Yea that's true.


----------



## pwrose

That has to be the most selfish company in the world, everthing is always I I I I I.....


----------



## Runningwolf

pwrose said:


> that has to be the most selfish company in the world, everthing is always i i i i i.....



roflmfao


----------



## Green Mountains

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iBY7Yirq60&feature=player_embedded[/ame]


----------



## arcticsid

*Heres a Couple*

A man walks into a bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders 4 very expensivedrinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man consumes all four drinks in a matter of minutes.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I have," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too!"

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Only $3."

********************************************************

An American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe in Paris, late one night, and after a couple driks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a guy sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.

"Would Monsieur care for another drink?", asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you wake that fellow up and send him home?"

"Well I should," saidthe proprietor. Then with Gallic logic, he added, "But, each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again!"

*********************************************************

"Mr. Jones, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"Thats very generous of you your honor," the man syas, "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


----------



## arcticsid

guess its all in the eye of the beholder


----------



## pwrose

arcticsid said:


> ********************************************************
> 
> An American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe in Paris, late one night, and after a couple driks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a guy sleeping at one of the tables.
> 
> The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
> 
> "Would Monsieur care for another drink?", asked the Frenchman.
> "No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you wake that fellow up and send him home?"
> 
> "Well I should," saidthe proprietor. Then with Gallic logic, he added, "But, each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again!"
> 
> *********************************************************



Whats sad about this joke is that I actually saw this happen, and after the guy paid his bill for the third time we decided that we should take him home. Needless to say he never even missed the money he had paid out two extra times. Ahhhh Germany was a blast while I was there, I even have 8 miles on my hands and knees and it was all up hill back to the barracks.


----------



## myakkagldwngr

AFter looking at Green Mountain's post I think the biggest joke is that all the new generation think's they 
HAVE TO BE connected to the E world constantly.
I love being able to just walk out the door and have a good idea no one could find me if I really want it that way.


----------



## arcticsid

MY, know why I live in the woods in Alaska?

NUFF said. 

I spent the first few years here way in the bush with no water, electricity, and damn sure no internet or cell phone. We were lucky to get to town once a month. In the winter it was an 18 mile snowmachine trip each way just to get to the truck and then another 56 miles to go to town.

I got my school books when the plane flew over and tossed them out the door. So, No sheet, I hear ya.


----------



## seopiper

ahahhaa. that's is funny.. you will surely be broke after buying those expensive gadgets.


----------



## rodo

*Walmart in the U.S. announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering*
*customers a new discount item, its own store-brand of wine. The world's *



*largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of *

*California to produce the wine at an affordable price, in the $2.00-$3.50 *

*range. *



*Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into *

*their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said *

*Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas , "and *

*the **right name is important." *



*Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for *

*the **Walmart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: *




*10. Chateau Traileur Parc *



*9. White Trashfindel *



*8. Big Red Gulp *



*7. World Championship Riesling *



*6. NASCARbernet *



*5. Chef Boyardeaux *



*4. Peanut Noir *



*3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar *



*2. Grape Expectations *



*1. Nasti Spumante *



*The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat *

*(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). *



*P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a *

*white meat. *


----------



## Runningwolf

LOL that was too funny!


----------



## winemaker_3352

That is Classic!!


----------



## myakkagldwngr

Rodo,,, that is just too funny. 
I'll really have to show it to my wife and daughter. They both work at Wally mart. 

And to give you another laugh at the idea of a opossum,,,
years back my brothers and I all worked on a tomato farm together. 
Our regular field workers that did the planting and staking were a crew of blacks.
They would eat possum or raccoons when they could get them.
One brother started trapping them pretty regularly and they would buy them from him.
Got pretty bad when he was going to the payroll department with IOU's for possums!


----------



## JohnT

Three men were talking about the worst pain imaginable. 

"I once had a real bad paper cut and it hurt worse than anything!" said the first man. 

"I once fell out of a tree and broke my arm." said the second man. 


"Well, I was camping." said the third. "and I had to answer the call of nature, and ended squating over a bear trap. The bear trap sprung and clamped right down on my manhood!". 

The other two writhed with sympathy pain. Finally, they both said "that surely was the worst pain ever experienced!!!" 

"That is not the painful part." said the third man. "The painful part comes when you run out of chain"!!


----------



## pwrose

Jay Hickman told that joke years ago before he passed away, hell of a comic, and good joke btw.


----------



## JohnT

An 80 year old golfer and his son are on the back 9. The old man goes to line up a putt, when he notices a frog sitting on a stump. 

To his amazement, the frog begins to speak. 

"Kind sir." said the frog. "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess. I will make love to you and fulfill your every desire!"

With that, the old man picks up the frog and puts it into his golf bag. 

The son the comes over to him and asks "well, aren't you going to kiss that frog and turn her into a princess?". 

"That's OK son", says the old man, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog".


----------



## JohnT

*The Long Nosed, Long Tailed, Green Irish Terrior*

This one told to me in Ireland. This is just a joke and I do NOT advocate cruelty to animals. I Repeat.. I do not advocate Blood Sport or Cruelty to animals!!!

That said, Here is the joke......


A man and his dog enter a pub. The Bar tender takes one look at the dog and is taken aback by just how fierce the dog looks. 

"What kind of dog is that" asked the bar tender. 

"This dog? Why that there is a long nosed, long tailed, green Irish terrior" said the man. 

The bar tender just could not get over how fierce the dog looked. "Tell you what" said the bar tender. "I, myself, raise champion fighting dogs. How about I take one of my champions, and see how our dogs do in a fight. If your dog wins, I will let you drink all night for free." 

The man could not agree fast enough and, within a few minutes, the bartender's dog and the man's long nosed, long tailed, green Irish terrior are placed together in a back room. After only 3 seconds of extremely loud trashing, the bartender's dog come crashing through the back room door. 

The Long nosed, long tailed, green Irish terrior came slowly out of the back room in a rather calm, unfrazzled maner.

The bartender was taken aback. Completely shocked, the bartender said "I have NEVER seen anything like that! Your dog is simply amazing!!!" as he started to pour the man his first free pint.

As an afterthough, the bartender asked "what type of dog did you say that was again?" 

"it's a long nosed, long tailed, green Irish terrior." said the man. 

"But some people call it a crocodile".


----------



## rodo

*Logical Facts of Life*


A) The Japanese consume very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French consume a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


----------



## countrygirl

myakkagldwngr said:


> AFter looking at Green Mountain's post I think the biggest joke is that all the new generation think's they
> HAVE TO BE connected to the E world constantly.
> I love being able to just walk out the door and have a good idea no one could find me if I really want it that way.



i love that, too!!! just me and the dogs. no phone, nothin'


----------



## countrygirl

a man was walking on the beach in california, praying and contemplating life. God sees him and speaks to him..."you have been a good servant, i will grant you one wish." the man quickly asks for a bridge to hawaii as he is scared to fly. God says, "are you sure you want such a personal thing. think of the manpower, the sheer volume of resources. it would completely eliminate some of the earths resources to do this." the man reconsiders. "I don't want to be selfish or self-centered. please help me to understand women. when i've upset my wife, help me to see what it is i've done wrong."
after a long pause, God asks the man, "you want 2 lanes or 4?"


----------



## Runningwolf

ROFLMAO...very good


----------



## Wade E

Aint that the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## whine4wine

Two men are out fishing, when one of them desides to light up a cigar, but realizes he forgot his matches.
"You got a light?" he asks. "Sure do"' his friend replies.
So out of his tackle box he pulls out a 12" tall Bic Lighter. His friend lights his cigar and says "that is a really cool lighter, where did you get it?"
"I got it from my Genie" he replies. 
"You have a Genie?"
"I sure do"
"Do you think he would grant me a wish?"
"Sure he will" his friend replies.
So out of his tackle box comes a lamp, and the Genie is brought forth.
"I wish I had a million bucks" says the man.
"OK" says the Genie.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and a roar is heard overhead. The roar turn into wings flapping, and soon there are ducks everywhere, in the water, on the boat,,,,You guessed it, a million ducks.
The man turns to his friend and says "Whats this?"
"I forgot to tell you my Genie is a little hard of hearing. You didn't really think I wished for a 12" Bic, did you?"


----------



## rodo

lmao


----------



## countrygirl

rof, rof, omggg


----------



## djrockinsteve

At church Sunday the Pastor asked for anyone who needed healing to come forward and be healed. Roscoe came up. The Pastor asked him "What's your name and what ailes you my fine man?"

My name is Roscoe and I need help with my hearing, he replied.

The Pastor placed one of his fingers in Roscoe's ears and his other hand on Roscoe's head and began to pray. Then he asked for the entire congregation to join in for the healing of Roscoe's hearing.

After a minute the Pastor stepped back and asked "How's your hearing now?"

Roscoe replied, "I don't know, it ain't till Tuesday!"


----------



## donnaclif

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it.

* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.

* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.

* The Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.

* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine.

* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.

* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering.

* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'


----------



## Larryh86GT

*New wine for seniors*

I kid you not.... 
New Wine for Seniors 


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. 

The new wine will be marketed as 



PINO MORE 



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE 
I just could not help it.


----------



## Mud

Favorite joke of all time:
What Do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 





















A Stick


----------



## countrygirl

Mud said:


> Favorite joke of all time
> 
> 
> 
> 
> A Stick



priceless!!!


----------



## Runningwolf

*WEALTH IN THE OLD AGE*



Gosh, 
I'm rich!

Silver 
in the Hair

Gold 
in the Teeth 

Stones 
in the Kidneys 

Sugar 
in the Blood. 

Lead 
in the Butt 

Iron 
in the Arteries 

And 
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.


----------



## myakkagldwngr

Why do ladies always rub their eyes first thing in the morning?





Because they don't have testicles to scratch.


----------



## countrygirl

myakkagldwngr said:


> Why do ladies always rub their eyes first thing in the morning?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Because they don't have testicles to scratch.


wahhhhaaaahaaa
my nephew calls 'em "hoohaas", lol

these two nuns walked into a liquor store
(i can tell this joke, i'm catholic, lol)
and they asked for a bottle of whiskey. the clerk said, "sisters, i can't sell you this". the nuns replied, "it's ok, it's for the father's constipation."
so the clerk sells them the liquor. on his way home, he sees the nuns, drunk on a park bench. he calls them to task, "sisters, you told me this was for the father's constipation"! one nun replied, "it is, don't you think he'll sh** when he sees us"!!!!


----------



## djrockinsteve

A young fellow is unpacking his belongings in his second floor apartment when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find a fellow who introduces himself as "Bob, from downstairs, welcome to the neighborhood".

"Terry is my name and thanks, that's very nice of you". Bob tells him he's having a party tonight at his place and why don't you come.

Terry thanks him and explains that he'll catch the next one as he has to get everything unpacked and ready for his new job on Monday.

Bob says "Awww come on down, we're gonna have drinking, fightin' and f&%$#n'." Terry thinks for a moment and replies "That doesn't sound too bad. Who all is gonna be there?"

Bob replies............................."ME AND YOU!"


----------



## donnaclif

Well thats quite an innovation.But then pinot was always renowned for it's health benefits.


----------



## djrockinsteve

A black bear was squatting next to a rabbit in the woods and asked the rabbit, "Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur when you go potty?"

The rabbit replied "No, not at all".

So the bear wiped his arse with him.


----------



## Larryh86GT

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."


----------



## wyntheef

good one(s) larry. 10 thoughts gave me 10 chuckles. 
Particularyly fond of #6.


----------



## Runningwolf

These were pretty good.

Julie just remember ...
And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.


----------



## Larryh86GT

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?' 

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. 

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...' 

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him. 

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose. 

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!' 

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. 

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The damn dance is called the Twist!


----------



## countrygirl

a gentleman traveling in spain sat in a nice restraunt sipping his sangria. the waiter comes by with a steaming dish. the man says "that looks delicious, i would like to try that". the waiter says, "i am so sorry, but we can only serve this dish once daily, you see, it is the testicles from the bull from today's bullfight". the man makes arrangements to come back the next day for his specialty dish. the next day, when his dish arrives, it is MUCH smaller than the one he saw the day before. he says "waiter, something is wrong, this is NOT the same dish". the waiter replies, "si, senor', but you see, sometimes, the bull, he wins".


----------



## djrockinsteve

The classroom teacher told her class that we were going to have a guessing game. I will place in your mouth a lifesaver and you will guess the flavor. The class cheered and all raised their hands to get to try, especially "Johnny".

The wary teacher chose Brandon over Johnny for the cherry flavored Lifesaver. Brandon sucked it awhile and exclained "That's a cherry lifesaver". That's correct Brandon.

Next she chose Sally over Johnny again as he was wailing his arms all around. Sally tasted her saver a moment and said...."Is this an orange lifesaver?" Yes replied the teacher.

This went on and on until the final lifesaver left in the pack. Everyone had played except poor Johnny. The teacher in fear of what filth may extrude from Johnny's mouth but seeing that it was a honey flavor, the teacher felt a little relieved with this flavor.

Johnny approached and the teacher inserted the honey lifesaver in his mouth. Johnny sucked and sucked and had a very puzzling look about him. That look turned to sadness as he felt he would be the only child unable to guess the flavor. A laughing stock he would be in front of his class.

The teacher realizing that this was a difficult flavor told Johnny "I'm going to give you a clue since this is a hard flavor to guess". His clue, "This flavor is the same thing that your Mom may call your Dad". A voice from the rear of the class yelled out.................!

"Quick! Spit it out! It's an a$$hole!


----------



## Julie

Runningwolf said:


> These were pretty good.
> 
> Julie just remember ...
> And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.



Well I gave the wine to ffemt, so he needs to remember,


----------



## ffemt128

Julie said:


> Well I gave the wine to ffemt, so he needs to remember,



It is yummy too. Looking forward to making a batch of my own...


----------



## Larryh86GT

The Ostrich 


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


----------



## ffemt128

Larryh86GT said:


> The Ostrich
> 
> 
> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
> The waitress asks them for their orders.
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
> the ostrich, "What's yours?"
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
> 
> 
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
> be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
> pulls out the exact change for payment.
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
> says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
> 
> 
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
> 
> 
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
> asks the waitress.
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
> a salad," says the man.
> 
> 
> "Same," says the ostrich.
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
> 
> 
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
> places it on the table.
> 
> 
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
> sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
> in your pocket every time?"
> 
> 
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
> me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
> I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
> would always be there."
> 
> 
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
> for as long as you live!"
> 
> 
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
> money is always there," says the man..
> 
> 
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
> 
> 
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
> with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."




That's a good one.. I enjoyed it.


----------



## djrockinsteve

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

They're hiring!


----------



## myakkagldwngr

A woman goes to see her doctor,,,,
"doctor, I just don't know what to do. My husband will only eat dog food.. I'm a real good cook, but he only wants to eat dog food"
The doctor says "you have to make him stop. They use all kinds of dead animals and stuff to make dog food. It will kill him!"
Two weeks later he sees her in the supermarket and asks,,,
"How's your husband? Did you get him to stop eating dog food?"
"Oh doctor" she replies.. "My husband is dead!"
"I told you, I told you" he rants. "I knew that stuff would kill him."
"No that wasn't it" she exclaims... "He was laying in the driveway licking himself and I backed over him with the car!"


----------



## arcticsid

A bear walks into a bar in Fairbanks, Alaska and sits down.He bangs on the bar with his paw And demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We dont serve beers to bears in bars in Fairbanks!"

The bear becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer! The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "WE DON'T SERVE BEERS TO BELIGERENT BEARS IN BARS IN FAIRBANKS!"

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer I am going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar!"

The bartender says," We dont serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Fairbanks!"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the lady. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to beliggerent bully bears in bars in Fairbanks, who are on drugs!"

The bear yells, "I'm NOT on DRUGS!"

Th bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate!"


----------



## arcticsid

*The Farmer and the Widow*

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens and a goose.

The farmer looks at his purchase ans says, "Damn, I walke here. How am I going to carry this home?" 

The livestock dealer says, "Thats easy, why dont you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put the chickens under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey thanks!", the farmer says and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him he was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "well as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Lets take my shortcut down this alley, we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady says, "I am a lonely widow, without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get up to the alley, you wont hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The shocked farmer replies, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and goose! How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The old lady thought for a minute, then replied, "I think I got it, set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket......and I'll hold the chickens!"


LMAO


----------



## Larryh86GT

My brother in Las Vegas sent me this. Must be hot there.


----------



## Deezil

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? 

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

--------------------------------------

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Mike one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, Mike had enough. 

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.' 

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.' 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb ***, get in.'


----------



## Larryh86GT

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on
time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late...... but he was a good 
worker - really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the 
company and, obviously, was good at demonstrating their "Older Person 
Friendly" policies. 
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell
you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so 
often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. 
It's odd though - your coming in late. I know you're retired from
the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late 
there?"

'They said, 
"Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''


----------



## Larryh86GT

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here And
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and Caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning.. .
Today you voted."


----------



## rodo

yep, that about covers it


----------



## Runningwolf

Right on!::


----------



## Larryh86GT

WORRY

In the end, there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to worry about:
either you get well or you will die.
When you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things to worry about:
either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!
SO WHY WORRY!?!


----------



## djrockinsteve

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have a book on suicide?"

The librarian replies....."Get lost! You Won't return it."


----------



## donnaclif

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


----------



## djrockinsteve

After years of the city Charlie sells everything and moves to the wilderness. He makes monthly trips to the feed store for necessities. After several months he's starting to feel lonely and asks the store clerk if there are any woman nearby.

_"Naw, not a woman for 300 miles."_

Well what do you do for fun around here?

_"Well we have Old Jake"_

Oh I could never do that. I don't go for that sh!t.

Next month same question, same answer....I don't go for that sh!t.

The third month same conversation followed by I don't go for that sh!t.

After four months he's really lonely and asks the clerk, If I were to have Old Jake, what would it cost me?

_"A hundred bucks"_

A hundred dollars, Holy Cow! Why so much?

_"Well there's thirty for me and thirty for Old Jake."_

Charlie says, that's sixty dollars, who gets the other forty?

_"The two guys that hold Old Jake down 'cause he don't go for that sh!t either!"_


----------



## countrygirl

oh, steve, that last one was just wrooong, lol
i hope we don't start repeating some as i've lost track now, lol
so did u hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom?
she was in there so long she peed her pants


----------



## djrockinsteve

Ok you opened the door.....

How do blondes turn on the lights in the morning?
They open the car door. 

Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm during sex.

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract the boys?
Their ankles.

Did you hear about the blonde that thought 
"ineuendo" was the Italian word for Prearation H

All blondes on here forgive me


----------



## Larryh86GT

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something,
Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like
you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try
that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great.. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'


----------



## djrockinsteve

While working in Africa a zoologist heard a loud bellowing coming from deep in the jungle. Intrigued he ventured in to see what it was. He came upon an elephant laying on it's side with a large thorn in his foot. The elephant was huge and frightening but the zoologist ventured in and carefully removed the thorn. The elephant got up, turned toward the man and reached down with his trunk and gave the man a big hug, then left into the jungle.

Often the zoologist would see the large beast in the distance and thought about how he had changed that elephants life as well as his own.

One day poachers came and took many of he elephants including our thornless friend. Believing he would never know what happened to the elephant he went about his job which years later place him in Chicago.

One day on a trip with his family to the zoo they passed the elephants den. Memories came rushing back dispite the 10 years that had passed. Suddenly he noticed one of the elephants staring at him. He wouldn't turn away. The elephant approached and let out a teriffic bellow.

Could it be the zoologist thought. After all these years and miles. The elephant extended his trunk to the man. It is you it is you the man exclaimed and began to scale the fence.

The crowd and his family shocked screamed stop, you'll be hurt or killed. It's okay, I know this elephant. We're old friends.

The man entered the elephant dwelling and walked right up to him. The elephat extended his trunk and wrapped around the man's body then lifted hin into the air.

Suddenly the elephant slammed the man onto the ground and stomped him to death.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


----------



## Deezil

djrockinsteve said:


> While working in Africa a zoologist heard a loud bellowing coming from deep in the jungle. Intrigued he ventured in to see what it was. He came upon an elephant laying on it's side with a large thorn in his foot. The elephant was huge and frightening but the zoologist ventured in and carefully removed the thorn. The elephant got up, turned toward the man and reached down with his trunk and gave the man a big hug, then left into the jungle.
> 
> Often the zoologist would see the large beast in the distance and thought about how he had changed that elephants life as well as his own.
> 
> One day poachers came and took many of he elephants including our thornless friend. Believing he would never know what happened to the elephant he went about his job which years later place him in Chicago.
> 
> One day on a trip with his family to the zoo they passed the elephants den. Memories came rushing back dispite the 10 years that had passed. Suddenly he noticed one of the elephants staring at him. He wouldn't turn away. The elephant approached and let out a teriffic bellow.
> 
> Could it be the zoologist thought. After all these years and miles. The elephant extended his trunk to the man. It is you it is you the man exclaimed and began to scale the fence.



I got this far, and thought, 'how could this turn into a joke?'



djrockinsteve said:


> The crowd and his family shocked screamed stop, you'll be hurt or killed. It's okay, I know this elephant. We're old friends.
> 
> The man entered the elephant dwelling and walked right up to him. The elephat extended his trunk and wrapped around the man's body then lifted hin into the air.
> 
> Suddenly the elephant slammed the man onto the ground and stomped him to death.



... 'That was a joke?'...



djrockinsteve said:


> Probably wasn't the same elephant.



Aaaaahahahahahahaha!!


----------



## Green Mountains

...A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong
email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day...

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!


----------



## WhineMaker

An Anniversary Wish...

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding Anniversary. During their party, a wizard appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world and poof – the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the wizard asked the husband what he wanted. He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” The wizard picked up his wand and poof – the husband was 90 years old.


----------



## WhineMaker

An Atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 

What majestic trees! 

What powerful rivers! 

"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. 

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. 

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 

At that instant the Atheist cried out: 

"Oh my God!..." 

Time stopped. 

The bear froze. 

The forest was silent. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: 

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" 

"Very well," said the voice. 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: 

Lord, bless this food, 
which I am about to receive 
from thy bounty 
through Christ our Lord, 
Amen.


----------



## Runningwolf




----------



## JohnT

Two men in the woods surprised a bear. The bear took one look at the two of them and charged at them with great speed. 

Seeing that the bear was charging at them, the two men take off running. Amazingly, they manage to keep ahead of the bear. 

After a short while of running, one of the two men begins to tire. "Do you think that we can outrun this bear" he says to the other man. 

"Outrun the bear?", said the other man, "all I have to do is outrun you".


----------



## Redtrk

My "Joke of the day"! 

Two women were sitting together quietly, minding their own business.


----------



## djrockinsteve

What did the one morgue wall say to the other morgue wall?
I'll meet you at the cororner.

How can you tell if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.


----------



## Larryh86GT

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. 
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" 
He slams the door and returns to bed. 
"Who was that?" asked his wife. 
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 
"Did you help him?" she asks. 
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" 
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too." 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. 
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. 
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. 
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. 
"Where are you?" asks the husband. 
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.


----------



## JohnT

On the night after their wedding, a honeymoon couple go up to the hotel room. 

The husband takes off his boxer shorts and throws them over to his new bride. "Try them on darling" he said to his new bride. 

Puzzled, the bride puts the short on. No sooner as she lets go of them, they fall down to her ankles. Over and over again she attempts to pull up the boxer shorts, but yet they always end up falling down around her akles. 

Fustrated, the bride throws the boxer shorts over to her new husband. "I can't fit in these!" she says. 

"That's right", says the husband, "You are the Woman. I am the Man. You can't fit into my britches. You understand me, woman???"

Taken aback, the new bride took off her panties and tossed them over to her new husband. "Try them on, you big strong man" she said. 

The husband puts both of his legs through her underware and begins to pull them up. After struggling with them for a while, the panties rip completely in half. 

In fustration, the husband threw the panties over to his new bride saying "I CAN'T GET IN THESE!!"

"That's right", said the bride, "....and until you change your attitude, you never will".


----------



## Runningwolf

With Chelsea's wedding on July 31st 


Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom


She asked Chelsea... "have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"


----------



## Runningwolf

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP 

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip. 

-------------------------------------------------------------- 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. 

------------------------- ------------------------------------- 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. 
---------------------------------------------------------- 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. 

-------------------------------------------------------------- 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. 
Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.. 

-------------------------------------------------------------- 
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 

Today I saved 1600 lives. 

Twice


----------



## djrockinsteve

One woman to another, "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

Other woman, "I don't know, I never looked?"


----------



## JohnT

Old Zeke was famous for his fishing prowess. 

One day, while in the bar, a game warden noticed Zeke's catch for the day. 

"My, that's a fine bunch of fish. You mind showing me how you go about catching so many big fish?" 

"tell you what. You meet me at the dock tomorrow at 5am, and I'll take you out and show you how I fish" said Zeke.

The next morning, Zeke met the game warden at the dock. They both get into the boat, and off they go. 

After a while, the game warden notices that there is no fishing gear. No poles and no bait. There were just two crates that the men were sitting on. 

He was about to say something about it when Zeke cut the boat's motor. 

"Now how are we going to fish without any gear?" the game warden said. 

With out saying a word, Zeke reached into the crate he was sitting on, and pulled out a stick of dynomite. Zeke lit the fuse with his cigar and tossed it out into the water. After a very loud explosion, several dozen fish came floating to the surface. 

Overcome with shock and anger, the game warden started screaming at Zeke. "Don't you know how bad that is? Don't you know how illegal that is? Don't you know that I have to throw you in my jail as soon as we get back?" said the warden. 

Without saying a word, Zeke fetched another stick of dynomite. After lighing it with his cigar, he handed the dynomite to the game wareden. 

"Now are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?" asked Zeke.


----------



## Larryh86GT

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my GREEN HAT 

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the hat. Try it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours. 

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. 

Don't try it at McDonald's though. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.


----------



## Larryh86GT

*The Bridge*

The Bridge


A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' 

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


----------



## hector

A man walking on the street , suddenly needs to go to WC .

Fortunately , he finds soon a public WC . 

As he was inside , he received from his wife a message on his cell phone :

" Where are you right now ? " 

The man replied the message : " I'm at your father's House " 

The wife : " very good ! By the way , I didn't have enough time to cook .

Eat something there before coming back . "


----------



## Runningwolf

Hector, not being from your country what is a WC?


----------



## hector

Runningwolf said:


> Hector, not being from your country what is a WC?



WC = Water-Closet , Toilet


----------



## JohnT

hector said:


> WC = Water-Closet , Toilet



Must be Canadian?


----------



## Runningwolf

JohnT said:


> Must be Canadian?



I guess Iran


----------



## JohnT

Runningwolf said:


> I guess Iran



If that is true, then I hope he drinks his wine with the shades drawn. It would be a shame if he could no longer lift a wineglass because they cut off both his hands!


----------



## djrockinsteve

A beautiful woman entered her step-sons bedroom and said, "Jimmy, I want you to remove my blouse." Hesitantly Jimmy removed her blouse.

"Now take off my skirt" she said. With trembling hands Jimmy did as he was told.

"Remove my bra and panties" she uttered next. Jimmy did just that and stood there gazing into her eyes.

The woman stepped closer to Jimmy and said,

"Jimmy, don't let me ever catch you with my clothes on again!"


----------



## Larryh86GT

Today's offering: 

View attachment fun.jpg


----------



## myakkagldwngr

Frank sees his friend Little Johnnie walking down the street with a jug in his hand.. 
As soon as he's close enough he has to ask "what you got in that jug Johnnie?"
"This is the most powerful stuff in the world" Johnnie replies.
"Oh wow, what is it then" Frank inquires??
"It's turpentine" Johnnie says excitedly...
"Yeah that stuff is something else" Frank replied. "My grandmother put some on my mother's tummy and she passed the baby brother I have!"
"That ain't nothing" Johnnie replies with a smile. "Just this morning I put some on a cat's a** and he passed a motorcycle!"


----------



## djrockinsteve

St. Peter was greeting folks at the gates to heaven one day, "Next" he called out. "What's your name and what brings you to heaven?"

"My names Gladys, and I had "The Big H."
St. Peter says "Heart Attack, that's a tough one. C'Mon in Gladys." "Next"

"Names Roger, I had "The Big C."
"Cancer" says St. Peter. "Bet that was tough, welcome to heaven." "Who's next?"

"Hi, I'm Yolanda"
"and what brings you to heaven Yolanda?"
"The Big G" she says.

St. Peter thinks for a moment and asks her to repeat herself. "The Big G" she says.
St. Peter looks in his book awhile then says to her..."I'm sorry. I don't know what that is"

Yolanda tells him "Gonorrhea, The Big G".
St. Peter chuckles and tells her "I'm sorry, but you don't die from gonorrhea!"

Yolanda says..............."You do when you give it to Big Leroy!"


----------



## croppy

ok, there's two muffins in an oven, the first muffin says "man its hot in here" the second muffin says "HOLY #[email protected]$ A TALKING MUFFIN!!" lol
=======================================================

theres three blonds on an island and they find a magic lamp, genie pops out and says "for freeing me i will grant you each one wish.
the first blond says "i wish i was smart enough to get off this island" poof the genie turns her into a brunette and she swims to the main land.
the second blond says "wow i wish i was smarter than her" poof the genie turns her into a red head and she makes a boat and sails to the main land.
the third blond says "i wish i was smarter than both of them" poof the genie turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge to the main land.

i can never think of jokes when i want to tell them


----------



## JohnT

Right. 

Three men die together on Christmas Eve. 

They go up to the pearly gates and see St. Peter. 

"Since this is Chistmas eve, anyone that does something in the spirit of the season may enter heaven" said St. Peter. 

The first man takes out a cigarette lighter, lights it, and says "look... A Christmas Candle". 

St. Peter let him enter. 

The second man takes out a set of car keys. While giggling them, he says "look... Christmas chimes". 

St Peter let him enter. 

The third man, in a bit of a bind since all of the good ideas were taken, takes out a pair of womens knickers (panties) and holds them up over his head. 

"What has that got to do with Christmas?" asked St. Peter. 

"There Carol's" exclaimed the third man. 

St. Peter let him enter. 

johnT.


----------



## djrockinsteve

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!


----------



## croppy

what do you call the guy who graduated last in his class at medical school?







doctor


----------



## Larryh86GT

Summary of Life 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.. 
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. 



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts 
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground... 
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.. 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional... 
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions... 
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus. 


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. 
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. 
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license. 
At age 35 success is . . . .Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license. 
At age 75 success is . .. . Having friends. 
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.


----------



## Runningwolf

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


----------



## rodo

_*MY LIVING WILL:*_


_*Last night, my *__*kids *__*and I were sitting in the living room and I said to *__*them*__*, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'*_
_*They *__*got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.*_​ 
_*They are*__* SO on my **** list*__*...*_​



​


----------



## Deezil

Two old guys talking. 
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV". 
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" 
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"


----------



## Larryh86GT

Bottle of Wine
(Women will LOVE this one!)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday 
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but 
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women 
drivers. 
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, 
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must 
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the 
rest of our days.' 
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a 
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to 
drive.' 
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is 
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God 
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the 
bottle to the man. 
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle 
and then hands it back to the woman. 
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the 
man. 
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' 

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. 
Don't mess with them.


----------



## Runningwolf

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID 
Ten T error? What's that ? In case I need to fix it again.'

Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'


So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little ****!


----------



## djrockinsteve

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. The trick is getting them in there.


----------



## Runningwolf

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!' 

See... Not All Seniors Are Senile


----------



## Runningwolf

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE 
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just 
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and 
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to 
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to 
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual 
urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."


----------



## djrockinsteve

A young woman noticed she was getting these green circles on her inner thighs. Being concerned she went to her gynocologist. After a full exam the Dr. said that he had never seen anything like this and was stumped. "Would you mind if I have my associate take a look? He's more knowledgable in the newer diseases today," the Dr. asked. Sure said the girl.

The associate took a look and asked the girl "By any chance is your boyfriend a gypsy?"

"Why yes he is! How did you know?" she said.

Just a hunch said the Dr. and the next time you see him you probably should tell him his gold earrings are fake.


----------



## Runningwolf

Steve you're a dog!


----------



## djrockinsteve

What goes "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang." "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang."?

An Amish Drive By


----------



## djrockinsteve

Okay one more. Can't resist.

Did you hear about the poor amish prostitute? She couldn't get enough menninite.

Boooo Hissss


----------



## BIGJEFF

djrockinsteve said:


> What goes "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang." "Clop Clop Clop Clop Bang."?
> 
> An Amish Drive By



this is going in my FB status!!


----------



## djrockinsteve

BIGJEFF said:


> this is going in my FB status!!



You know there's an idea. Another thread talks about a instant messaging area on here. Wouldn't it be easier for a Wine Making Talk Facebook set up?


----------



## BIGJEFF

djrockinsteve said:


> You know there's an idea. Another thread talks about a instant messaging area on here. Wouldn't it be easier for a Wine Making Talk Facebook set up?



http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/WineMakingTalkcom/189724200182


----------



## JohnT

What do you call a man with his hand up a horse's rear end... 

An amish mechanic.


----------



## winemaker_3352

djrockinsteve said:


> You know there's an idea. Another thread talks about a instant messaging area on here. Wouldn't it be easier for a Wine Making Talk Facebook set up?



Yeah - vBulletin has a VB Pager plugin - allows you to IM.


----------



## djrockinsteve

Why was Fred Flintstone so angry with Wilma after the earthquake? 


Because he found her under rubble.


----------



## djrockinsteve

Why were the pilgrims here before the British?

Because they had a "reservation".


----------



## djrockinsteve

What do you give a guy that has everything?

Penacillan


----------



## JohnT

djrockinsteve said:


> Three men passed away and went to Heaven. As they stood ready to enter the Pearly Gates St. Peter asked them to show him something that they have on themselves that related to Christmas.
> 
> The first man thought and pulled out his lighter and waved it around lit. This is a candle. St. Peter allowed him to enter.
> 
> The second man pondered then pulled out his car keys held them up and rattled them. Bells he exclaimed. He too was allowed to enter Heaven.
> 
> The third man reached into his pocket and retrieved a pair of womans panties. St. Peter looked perplexed. The gentleman replied......These are Carols.



I already posted this about 4 months ago.


----------



## Sirs

still just as funny


----------



## djrockinsteve

An attractive woman was hired to bring her prize bull over to a farm to inseminate some cows. While waiting for the task to begin she engaged in random talk with the man who had employed her services.

After a bit the bull mounted the cow and began to do his thing. The man saw his opportunity to make his "move" towards the woman.

"Man I sure would like to be doing what that bull is doing right now" exclaimed the man.

Without skipping a beat the woman replied, "Well why don't ya? It's your cow".


----------



## djrockinsteve

Ask a cajun a question and you will always get the correct answer.

A man approached Boudreaux when he was visiting in Mamou (Louisiana).

'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me the quickest way to get to Ville Platte?'

Boudreaux scratched his head, 'Are you walkin' or drivin'?' he asked the stranger.

'I'm driving.'

'Dat's the quickest way!'


----------



## djrockinsteve

A Few Holiday Jokes..........For Kids and Adults

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
Turkey feathers

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock


----------



## JohnT

djrockinsteve said:


> a few holiday jokes..........for kids and adults
> 
> if the pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
> Their age
> 
> why can't you take a turkey to church?
> Because they use such fowl language
> 
> what are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?
> Turkey feathers
> 
> which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
> The outside
> 
> what kind of music did the pilgrims like?
> Plymouth rock



lame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Tom

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' 

With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had 
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' 

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he 
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, 
I'd take it and pour it into the river.' 

Sermon complete, he sat down





The song leader stood very cautiously and announced 
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, 
Let us sing



Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.' 

Smile, life is too short not to!


----------



## Tom

*Senior Texting*

*Senior Texting Some of these may come in handy.....

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a
need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts,
this is the code for you....

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
*


----------



## Tom

In honor of the playoffs, here you go: 


Football FINALLY makes sense........... 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' 

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 

'Get the quarterback ! Get the quarterback !'


----------

